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"Don't have insurance? Your totem might spawn here!"

SirCracken SirCracken
in General Discussions

Hello people of the fog

I am Cracken, representative of Tended Totems™, and It's no secret that not all totem spawns are created equal.
Sometimes you'll get a nice, snug hiding place in the corner of the map behind grass and debris and you can be rest assured that it'll stay lit for almost the entire trial.
But sometimes we aren't so fortunate. You'll spawn in, using either "Devour Hope" or "Ruin" or maybe you're one of those spicy people that use "The Third Seal", and eagerly look for the dim red aura of your totem, safe and sound. And then you'll see this:
Garbage Totem Spawn.jpg
Your precious baby will be out in the open, or next to a gen, or both, and a filthy survivor will already be smearing their disgusting fingers all over it. Does the sight of this image not fill your heart with anguish and fear? All you wanted was to use a hex perk and the entity has cursed you before the game has a chance to truly begin!
And that is where we at Tended Totems™ come in. When we saw the totem spawns that killers have to deal with on a regular basis we saw it as an opportunity to capitalize on help those who cannot afford "Dead Dawg Saloon" offerings.
For just the low, low price of 299,999 Bloodpoints per month your totems will be insured to never spawn next to generators or survivors again!

Call 1-800-TENDEDTOTEMS now to receive a 2 month free trial and 20% discount on your first subscription

Hear from our satisfied customers!

"Before I was lucky to get 2 stacks of Devour Hope. Now thanks to Tended Totems I'm killing the competition! Follow my Instagram for proof <3 #TheRealGhostFace" - Danny Johnson
"It's ok I guess" - Evan MacMillan
[Heavy Breathing] [Sounds of interviewer being stabbed to death] - Michael Myers

Comments

  • Laluzi Laluzi

    It's the reviews that killed it for me. Fantastic. (Hag is Tended Totems' biggest fan - just listen to the joy in that "BHGGAWWRVARRR" now that her Devour Hope didn't spawn next to the survivor with Small Game.)

    I think you could find a fresh client in the Spirit for Tended Totems™. Just had a match against her where I cleaned her Devour Hope, Haunted Grounds (oops), and Ruin within the span of a minute. Bet she's ripe for a special offer right about now.
  • lagosta lagosta
    alDiVku.gif

    Don't mind me, just watching the commentaries :D

  • SirCracken SirCracken

    @Laluzi said:

    It's the reviews that killed it for me. Fantastic. (Hag is Tended Totems' biggest fan - just listen to the joy in that "BHGGAWWRVARRR" now that her Devour Hope didn't spawn next to the survivor with Small Game.)

    I think you could find a fresh client in the Spirit for Tended Totems™. Just had a match against her where I cleaned her Devour Hope, Haunted Grounds (oops), and Ruin within the span of a minute. Bet she's ripe for a special offer right about now.

    I wanted to add a closing statement about how "Tended Totems is not responsible for survivors running Small Game and Detectives Hunch", but couldn't make the font size work.

  • Friendly_Blendette Friendly_Blendette

    only 299,999 thats a steal where do I buy it

  • DoritoHead DoritoHead

    "This is some serious gourmet sh*t" -Haunted Grounds users

    Anyway, where do I sign up?

  • SirCracken SirCracken

    @Friendly_Blendette said:

    only 299,999 thats a steal where do I buy it

    Go to our website at "WWW.TendedTotems.org". Discounts for killers rank 10+ and console users.

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